...the World of Contradiction...

Me: The silence is deafening...
Friend: Wait, wait. Did you just realise what you have said? "The silence is deafening".
Me: Yah, I know. But it's the truth.. Do you not feel that sometimes if the aircon is off, the whole room seems so silent that it's deafening?
Friend: True. Just that it's so contradicting. How can the silence be deafening...

Well, the world's full of contradiction. It should not be new to most people. Even I am full of contradiction. Was just thinking of how to describe myself lately, and all the things I can think of contradict at some point. Here are some of it.

I am someone who:

• Likes to do things without much plan but likes to have a plan for my day. I like to travel without a plan, just a note on what I might want to do. This is so different from my friends who have itinerary up to the hour for each day! Maybe I am just pure lazy to plan my itinerary. But most of it, I think I like the sense of freedom or spontaneity that I travel according to how/what I feel like doing on that day. To contradict myself, I tend to get a bit piss (just really a bit piss) if I do not have a rough plan for each day.
• Oops! I have forgotten what I want to say... Till I remembers again... hahaha

...Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts...

The title for "happy thoughts, happy thoughts" actually came from my recent camp as a facilitators for the school kids. After my facilitators 'lessons', I was waiting for my bus in a pretty quiet and rural area where mosquitoes thrive. Been sweet and everything, mosquitoes always seems to find me first! And to think that we have 4 people waiting for the bus, I was the one who got most of the bites!

While trying to walk off the mosquitoes attraction, one of the facilitators was saying "happy thoughts, happy thoughts" so that I would keep my hands from scratching the bitten areas. :)
I started doing some stupid step dance steps look-alike and replied, "I only know 'Happy Feet', 'Happy Feet' ". Hahaha..

:) Camps, the last one I have attended seems to be a decade ago. Ahem, I am not really that old, nor am I that young though. To think that I am even joining as a camp facilitator... Hahaha.. It started as a simple reply when my primary school friend called and asked if I am free to be an instructor. I enjoyed new things and thus replied "Do not mind trying out" :)

Well, I have had doubts even during the facilitators 'lessons' because of all those endless things we have to take note of with regards to encouraging team building, safety, activities, and to be able to talk to kids.

I do like kids, in fact, I think kids like to play with me too. Playing is playing.. playing is good for me.. I can play with kids.. but talking is another issue altogether. I do not really have trouble talking to a small group (about 15) of kids (around 10 to 11 yrs old). But when you put around 30 kids together, I will be stumped! Which it really happens. My poor partner has to do most of the talking whenever 30 kids are together. At that point, I am certain that I will not do anymore of this because I felt that I would not be able to give the kids a good camp experience.

But now that I reflect back, it is partly due to the lack of camp experience that I can share with the kids. I learnt :), as I did more camps (just for the record, I have had only done 2 so far). My dear primary school friend. :) She seriously want me to continue with being a camp facilitator and so, I agreed to go to the second camp. I wanted to give myself another chance to see if I am really cut out for this.

The second one was much better because I am more prepared for it. Kids, they love to learn new cheers. And bless me, I have a much younger sister who's into organising camps for kids. So, here I am, being a student again and started learning some simple cheers from her. Hahaha.. SIMPLE's the word. I think I am tune deaf to a certain level and she almost gave up on me!! The look on her face, priceless! Not that it reflect much on my level of learning a tune.. :P

All in all, I have had fun during the camps. It is really a few days out of civilisation which I enjoyed the trees, the mud, the nature, the lack of cars and the lack of tons of people. It is a good break for me from all the recent unpleasant events.

And kids! Am really glad they have had a chance to learn new skills, to push themshelves beyond the limits they have set and to work as a team. You have to give it to them to surprise you at times. :) So cool that they can try to work out a good cheer as a team. So cool that they will say "you rock". "Rock" here and "rock" there. Hahaha.. we will soon become rocks...

...Many many small steps :)...

Good things come in small packages. It really depends on how you see things and appreciate them... Well, to start off first, my grandma's progressing pretty well from her brain operation. Being currently unemployed, I have had the time to visit her every afternoon (as much as I can).

To think that the simple action of opening one's eye can be a chore for her. To top it off, her eyes are pretty small when she opens them... So, we have been spending quite a while to irritate her to open her eyes.. :) Oh, Oh.. and the frustrating or rather funny thing is that, she will open faster when nurses call her.. hahahaha.. and if we address her "Aunty", it works at times..

Guess she's trying to ignore her family members... in a way to gain attention? Whatever it is, we would not know till she is able to speak... For now, her limbs are in good shape, and overall she is progressing well.. Thank godness for that and for her, being so strong in wanting to recover. Really love her for that.. :)

...if only, the power of UNDO...

UNDO, Ctrl-Z for most application. If only life itself has the power for a few UNDOs. UNDO that momment when someone close to you decided to have an overdose of medication; UNDO that second when your grandparent fell. Consequences of both incidents? Extended stay in the hospital...

The first stated incident snowballed to an extended outpour of feelings, thoughts, tears and sleeplessness. It is emotionally draining and it just emphasized the fact that "How well do you really know the people whom you are close to?" Seriously? Not even close to 70%? At least, that is what I thought. Maybe I am the one blinded and unable to look past the painted 'mask'. But then again, if one does not show the true self around your closest people, then when will the real face be unmasked?

Life's really short... is there ALWAYS other ways to solve whatever mind-boggling issues one is having? Have been asked, "If the person is really suffering for a long long time, wouldn't it be a better if the person's life is shortened by his choice?" Seriously, is there ALWAYS a solution to problem? In my opinon, yes. But then again, maybe I have not been through what the person has been through before. *touch wood*, I guess I would not want to go through it...

The second.. sigh.. old age + a fall direct on the back of her head = blood clot in the brain. The worst is the doctor actually projected the thought that she can be discharged if she really do not want to stay... I cannot imagine what will happen if my grandma has been discharged. A fall on the back of the head actually caused a blood clot on the forehead, which can be live threatening.. not "can be", should be "is" live threatening..

Just a few momments before, she is happily moving on her own in her place. Now, she's lying in the hospital, life's supported by machines and with a hole in the brain (not hole.. well, I do not know the medical term to it).

Sigh.. life's short.. and full of surprises..

...In Memory of my Dear Cousin...

"Life's short" is something I've always been telling people around me. Guessed a lot of people already know this. But I cannot help emphasizing much on this. I guess it really take certain event(s) to make one realize the impact of this. Well, the lost of my cousin last year really does make its impact on us... Was kinda thinking of him recently and was sad that I did not even have a chance to let him know that he was really a darn good cousin, in more than one way. That brings me to think that, one should really let the people around you know how u feel about them. Well, life's full of surprises, be it good or bad. You would not know when the chance might slip from you.

I missed the chance of meeting him and wishing him a happy chinese new year during the Chinese New Year last year. The worst thing might be the last conversation I have had with him. I was commenting to him "Gor, you are very plumb", when I actually meant to say "Gor, you are very white". Hahaha. the word "plumb" just slip out of my mouth, and I did corrected myself right after. Being the happy-go-lucky cousin, he simply laugh it off. That's how he was. Oh, at that time, he did packed on a few more extra "luggage" around his waist.

He was the one who helped me with my bike selection (and I cannnot emphasize how troublesome the process was), helped me when I have had a minor bike accident and helped me gained alot of technical knowledge of riding a bike safely. All these closeness started when we were older. I guessed we matured along the way and thus the better relationship we have had.

I used to think that he hated me alot. In fact, my crossed out faces on many family photos did lead me to think that he hated me to the core. Which I do not know the reason why. Seriously, till now, I do not know the reason why. Maybe I was pretty darn ugly as a little girl. Or that I was a darn cry baby who always get him into trouble? All these, I would not have a chance to verify anymore. It would always be anyone's guess... Or rather, it would only be my guess..

Well, to get to the point, he's no longer around. And he left behind alot of people who are still griefing and missing him. His memory will always be with us.. :)

Life's real darn short. And not forgetting the many surprises it holds...